Previously, on Weeds
Well I'm not a candidate because my name isn't on the fucking ballot.
I won.
I fucking won.
I never filed your intent-to-run papers.
People seem to like what we're selling.
This shit is about to getting wild.
Payday.
Wait a second. I don't get paid ?
Once you reimburse me for
a non refundable year of rabbinical school.
Then you'll be compensated, yeah.
Well, I quit.
All of Agrestic
will become a drug free zone.
I think you're turning Agrestic into a police state.
That was awesome, Shane.
I'm the new Huskeroos girl.
I could put your money in a trust,
but you gonna need at least one parent to be the signatory.
My dad.
More like that story,
the scorpion and the turtle.
Scorpion and the frog.
I brought you a bean pies Heylia.
Joseph, aren't you lovely.
- Heylia James ? You're not gonna have to worry about her. - What ?
- She's been taken care of. - There's really no problem with Heylia.
You gotta dig the worms to catch the big fish.
Heylia's been dig up.
And I don't want to talk about this anymore.
Could you stop doing that ? It's disgusting.
I can't help it, I got GERD.
GERD ?
It's Gastro Oesophageal Reflux Disease.
My stomach acid keeps coming up the wrong way
and there's not enough left in my stomach so,
it makes me burp.
It's very uncomfortable.
For Chris' sake,
I can't sit here with you another minute.
Let's do it.
Federal agents !
Get on the floor ! Don't fucking move !
Nobody fucking move !
What the hell is going on ?
(?)
(?) your
vulgarity, in our presence
while the (?) underway
This is a house of worship.
Where's Heylia James ?
We ask that you refrain from addressing our women directly.
When a sister embraces Islam,
it is no longer accustomed to answer to men who are
unfamiliar.
Search the place.
It's a nice bust, Scottson.
- Shit - You think this is a game ?
Jesus, you scared me.
Did you tell Heylia yourself or did you have your boy Conrad do it ?
Heylia has always been straight with me.
Just wouldn't listen.
She's a drug dealer.
I'm a drug dealer.
And in order to keep the heat off of you,
I have to put it on someone else.
- I gave you the Armenians. - I gave YOU the Armenians.
You know this isn't... this is just not fucking working.
This isn't working.
Scorpion and the turtle.
Frog.
Well at least we have tried, and I think we both know what needs to happen now.
Actually, I have no idea what needs to happen.
Why don't you tell me ?
- One of us has to quit her job. - Why me ?
Drug dealer is not a career.
Then why do I make more money than you ?
Nancy, you gotta end this life.
Cause you don't have a choice.
I'm offering you another choice.
What choice ?
Marry me, for real.
Mail in the marriage certificate.
Tell your kids.
Be my wife !
How romantic.
Yeah well, you gonna have to forgive me if
I'm not in the mood to spread
rose petals at your feet.
I think you should go.
Well, you have a nice fucking day.
Thank you.
The ennemy of my ennemy
is my friend, sister Heylia.
That's a shame.
Yes it is.
You sure look good in white.
Well, all them rules.
Ain't no way I could keep it up for long.
Don't say "ain't".
It's a slave word.
I ain't no slave,
so I can says what I wants.
A salam aleykoum.
Aleykoum salam.
You think its possible ?
You think that a black scientist named Yacub
- created all the white people in a spaceships. - Could you shut up for ten minutes ?
For ten full minutes, I don't wanna hear noise.
Almost done yeah.
It's got a 5-inch thick door.
Three-inch walls.
It's got 6 sides of protection against concentred attacks with mechanical
and electrical tools.
We keep our ready-to-sell harvest in here.
Okay as we rotate it out, we fill the backup.
No cash, no personal items.
You and me are the only people on earth to know the combinaison.
Right, I'll show you how to set it.
Got five numbers.
Left, right, left-right, left.
Four turns in between, you'll hear a lock click when you're done.
So what is it gonna be ?
What about...
6 2 6 2 9
What is that ?
It's Nancy, if you spell it (?) the telephone.
You think that shit is slick ?
That nobody's gonna figure that out ?
And no kids' birthday either. People don't(?) just look that up.
Okay.
- Hi - Hi
You like me, don't you ?
- Yeah - You want me to be your girlfriend ?
- Yes - I'm not gonna kiss you until I get my braces off.
And that won't be for a while.
Like, maybe even a year.
It's okay.
Okay then.
Huskeroo, Huskeroo
You're beautiful in all the things you do
And your brand is Huskeroo
Huskeroo, that's you be you
They're just roomier.
- Did you see it? - At least they got her hair right.
So if this thing goes national, how much money are we talking ?
A new dishwasher ? New ... house ?
It's Isabelle's money.
- The law on California clearly states ... - Yeah yeah yeah
So we throw some in a college fund, but the rest
is fair gain(?), right ?
- After taxes, after we pay Doug and after my management fee.
Okay fine.
Manager..
Can you loan me a few grand ?
- What for ? - Clothes.
I had my cancer purge,
but now I'm in the public eye, and I have nothing to wear.
You wanna take Isabelle's hard gained dollars, and blow them on
Glad rags for your star turn on Agrestic's access TV.
You bought a motorcycle and a ridiculous leather jacket.
All right let me think about it.
No.
*Huskaroo huskaroo, you're beautiful in all the things you do*
- You're okay ? You look a little frazzled. - I'm fine.
Who kicks ass ?
Huh.. I'm guessing you.
I totally kick ass.
What does kicking ass entail ?
A girlfriend.
But that's not all.
Did a free cheese grater come with the girlfriend ?
Oh stop that.
I'm gonna be the class speaker for graduation.
- Sweetie, that's fantastic. - Way to go little man !
The whole (?) school voted.
I'm gonna go start working on my speech.
- Congratulations honey. - Thanks.
Are we worried...
What ? About what ?
That they're setting him up to laugh at him.
They're laughing with him now.
They think he's cool ever since he took up your cause.
What cause ?
Go drugs !
He doesn't know what I do.
Keep clinging the value raft.
Okay this vote
is on a motion by Walter Straley
to request a variance from zoning regulation 11.6
for a front yard set back.
- All in favor.. - Try 11.2
- Excuse me ? - It's zoning regulation 11.2
not 6.
And Walt is not adding a family room.
He's adding a giant garage for his boat,
which is gonna cut off all the light to his neighbour's dining room.
Read the plans.
Family room doesn't have concrete floors and a door that's operated by a remote.
That's complete bullshit.
You're not in charge here anymore, Wilson.
Lucky for you. I'd already thrown your nautical ass (?) out of here.
Really. Why are you fucking (?) ?
Excuse me.
You (?).
Now, all those in favor of granting the motion,
raise your hand and say aye.
Aye.
All of those against, ney.
Ney.
Motion is denied.
Fuck you Wilson !
Go play with your dinghy.
Please just turn those lights down a little.
Oh you need them for the public access' cameras.
I know, it's unfortunate.
Nobody looks good in High Def.
You know, if you would like to address this council as a citizen,
you can go ahead, and wait at the end of...
Could you stop with the fucking spotlight !
Ceylia, check the language at the door(?) Families are watching.
You know. I know what you're trying to do,
I know what you're all trying to do, and it's not gonna work.
I don't need you to like me.
How about we put this to a vote ?
All those who don't like Ceylia, say aye.
Aye.
Public has spoken.
Damn it.
Saturday is dad's birthday, you know.
I know.
Well, we have a lot to do to get ready.
Maybe we'll (?) that on the (?) this year. Last year was kind of a ..
What did you guys do last year ?
Ate his favorite foods, watched his favorite movies and,
Beat the shit out of piņata.
That's right.
He always did have a thing for piņatas.
Did he ever hit you, Nancy ?
I'm not filled with candy.
So what's the plan ?
We'll do something.
Maybe just not the full-on all-day celebration.
Why can't we just do what we did last year ?
I'm not sure I can handle it.
Okay.
Hey hey hey. How abo.. how about a mini celebration ?
All right, huh, would you keep it simple, just the things that Judah loves.
Chicken parmesan, Willy Wonka, the original. Not the lame Johnny Depp piece of shit.
Piņata.
Lap dance.
Ceylia.
Hey hey, take it easy !
- All right - God, I never should have done it.
They hate me. They hate me !
This is all your fault.
Could(?) have you just put a fucking lighting at the intersection.
- I was going to ! - Oh right, you were.
But you were being this know-it-all bitch face, I couldn't resist fucking with you.
Yeah, and you still can't.
City council was pretty much the only thing in my life
I didn't have to get bait to get through.
You took that away from me.
How did you know about Walter's boat garage ?
Ceylia..
Everything that happens in governement is motivated by self-altruist(?).
Someone is always trying to poop one over on someone else so they can get something they want.
(?) is not but a bunch of selfish assholes.
Remember that.
And you won't go wrong.
Thank you.
Ceylia.
You should bring some vodka to the council.
Vodka ?
It's what I used to do.
You think they like anyone ?
They like a good buzz.
You're just trying to set me up.
Why would I do that ?
Cause you wanna see me fail.
I mean, why else would you come here tonight ?
I just had nothing else to do.
Voda huh.
(?)
Go take the kids shopping.
Get supplies for Judah fest.
Yeah, I can do that.
With money for both provisions and my services as a nanny.
Slash assistant.
Oh that's how it's gonna be.
According to my calculations,
I will have fully repaid my debt to you as of
my next excursion to the dry-cleaner.
I'd like to double check those numbers.
- If you don't mind. - They're rough estimates, really. They're.. they're..
more projections.
Taking inflation into account.
I found another bill today from your old
*Hamemader Amrash lev vava va*
Over $5,000.
Hamidrash LaTorah
And happy is it is tax deductable.
I don't pay taxes, you idiot.
There's a big harvest coming up in a couple of weeks.
Why don't you come back and help ?
I'll put you on the payroll.
I want more than Sanjay.
Forget it.
Wait wait wait.
- Yeah I'll take it. - Welcome back.
Jelly Beans for the piņata.
Dad hated Jelly Beans.
I like the cherry ones.
- He said they taste like cough syrup. - The only candy your father really liked
is Almond Joy, don't ask me why.
But get what you, get what you want.
Not if dad hated them.
Yael.
How was that like before you met mom ?
Ah he didn't smell as good.
But he was the golden boy.
My black sheep.
He did everything right. A mother's dream. Hard working,
athletic, ambitious.
That wasn't getting him laid,
so he went to a (?)
Where is his painting ?
No no no that kind of artists.
Performance artists.
He did weird stuff like paint his whole body in silver and
stand naked on a (?)
Why ?
To get laid. It worked too. He met your mom.
When he (?) the dance barefoot
in his "feet me" in St-Louis installation
But he was always broke.
It wasn't really his true nature and your mom wanted kids so
he took his engineering degree, got a real job,
moved to suburbans.
I'm never getting married, it's death.
You're a little young to have reached to that conclusion.
How come you're not married uncle Andy ?
Cause it's death.
Right here, here we go.
So, Alan Robert's brother
owns green glass landscaping(?).
Oh yeah, she gave him a no bit contract to maintain all the parks and
and the medians the minute she got elected.
He overcharges like Hella Burton.
But, you gotta love the flowering jack around trees he put up by the ball fields.
And Tom Bender owns all of our school buses.
Bought them from the town and then rent them back to us for twice what he paid.
Which was actually my idea,
but he went behind my back,
made the deal himself on Diana (?)
Where did she stay ?
Four seasons, Maui.
See I prefer the (?).
Me too.
But Dana like some (?) pancakes at the Four Seasons.
$28 for fucking crunchy pancakes.
They should take two bites (?)
- You want another (?) - No,
no, I should probably save that for the next council meeting.
Oh right, it's your vodka.
Well. Thank you for this.
The 411.
I never realized there were such a method to your madness.
Six years on the job and you learn how things work.
Are you heading out too ?
- Me ? - Are you leaving ?
- No - Should we go out together ?
- What ? - Not "should we go out together",
just should we go out, together,
out of this office,
outside.
Well,
it is lunch time, out there.
Wanna try this new little Mongolian barbecue place before they go out of business.
What was that ?
I don't know.
- I have condoms on my desk. - Do you have herpes ? Warts ? Anything ?
- I'm clean, you ? - I'm clean.
I had my tubes tight (?)
- Fuck the condoms. - Courageous.
This isn't awesome scheme to get back control of Isabelle's money, is it ?
This isn't some hostile way to get back at Dean, is it ?
I'm not sure what it is.
Me neither.
- (?) care right now. - Me either.
My cousin live in a village where
all the babies born 1 year look like those humpa lumpas.
Then they stopped to crop those thing.
And the next year.
all fine.
Do they dance and sing morality songs ?
No, but a lot of them (?) bars to make a living.
I used to have nightmares about the boat scene.
I remember that.
I used to have to crawl in bed with you and reads you from the real estate section to get you to fall asleep.
Which got me into trouble at school
when we were studying Roosevelt.
I proudly announced the entire class that FDR stood for
Formal Dining Room.
Sssh I like this part.
(?) chicken parmesan.
No, oh no.
I promise I won't yell.
No ultimatums.
I just want to talk.
Can I come in ?
Bad timing.
What's going on ?
Mom.
Birthday celebration.
Whose birthday ?
Mom, you're missing the best part.
Guys, Peter's here,
and I need to help him with something outside just for a minute, then I'll be right back. Ok ?
What is he doing here ?
It's dad's birthday for fuck sake.
Dinner's almost ready. Lupita, set the table.
You have hands.
Do you know he is a DEA agent ?
Who's a DEA agent ?
That Peter guy.
Get the fuck out of here.
I saw him leaving here yesterday and he had this jacket on that said DEA.
- Shane, stop making shit up. - I'm not.
DEA could stand for a lot of things.
No. It was the same kind I see them on the news when they bust people.
The exact kind.
What exactly did he say to your mom ?
I don't know.
When I saw him, he was getting into his car.
He looked really mad.
He's mom's boyfriend, isn't he ?
I really have to get back.
I didn't mean to interrupt your celebration, I just...
didn't like the way our last conversation went.
I was upset.
I know, and you've had the right to be. I'm sorry I went behind your back.
I wanna be with you.
Get to work through this.
We have weird issues, Peter.
All couples do.
I'm guessing our issues are pretty unique.
This is really not the right time to talk.
When is the right time ?
When it's not my dead husband's birthday.
Fair enough.
- I have to get back. - I'll call you later.
Where is everybody ?
After Shane tell Silas that man is in the DEA,
Silas tell Shane he's your boyfriend.
And you don't care about Judah no more.
So he smashed the cake and ran upstairs.
And Silas go outside to fuck up the (?) with a basket-ball.
And Andy go upstairs to get notched(?).
Hide from stress.
Silas.
Talk to me.
You're insane, he is a fucking DEA agent.
Yes, yes he is.
But it's okay.
He's okay with it.
So he is a crooked DEA agent. Even better.
Peter protects my business, Silas.
Well maybe now, but what happens when he breaks up with you.
Or do you think you're so great that that's never gonna happen.
What happens when he dumps you ?
He can't do anything to me.
Bullshit ! He can arrest you.
I'm gonna tell you something, but you have to promise
never to repeat it, especially to Shane.
- Tell me what. - Swear to me,
Never to shane.
Peter and I are technically...
we're...
What ?
We're married.
I know it sounds crazy,
it kind of is crazy, but sometimes you do crazy things
when you have no choice, and I had no choice.
It's a business arrangement, pure and simple.
I know what you're thinking.
I .. loved
your father.
I still... love him.
This has nothing to do with Judah or
marriage, really. It's business.
You m-married him.
Silas, I know how strange this all sound.
- It's dad's birthday ! - I know.
But he's dead, so what difference does it make.
Stop playing the dead dad card.
The wrong parent died.
And you know what ? Tough shit.
Get your ass back and go watch Willy fucking Wonka
Transcript & Synchro : Le_Chuck
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