I just really resent picking up after them.
I mean, not the kids...
the alters...
The messes they make can be
astounding.
And having multiple personalities is like...
hosting a keger in your brain.
Only you're passed out cold while everyone else is just trashing with joy.
This family meeting is called to order.
I like to call them summits,
it sounds more global, or more Swiss.
OK, so... Friday afternoon I believe T. was in here, right?
That was definitely T. time.
In which case we need to talk about some
mysterious charges on my credit card.
What?
Or I could look up the statement and see what T. and her "friend"
spent my money on.
OK so I got some skank shirts at that dead mall in Greenview
but I didn't take off the tags, so I'll return them, OK?
And I got a knockoff chinese Gucci "icepack"...
And some cigarettes... which I did not smoke because
T. gets menthols and I think it does make your lungs bleed.
And I also think they're racist.
I need my own money.
OK, so then I came back and then I was Buck...
- and I kicked some ass. - Oh, yeah,
well technically, Buck kicked some ass.
- Great. - I helped.
High Five.
OK, that's really good we can discuss this as a family.
Doesn't have to be weird.
It's weird.
So I can't believe you guys went bowling without me.
We really went there cause
Buck has a thing for that hillbilly waitress at the snack bar.
He won her a stuffed Taz at the Arcade game.
Then she licked his face.
Look, we knew when you were off the meds the whole gang would resurface.
Multiple personality reunion tour.
They're like Genesis, man. We always knew that
stage would come back.
Anyway I can't, we can't, begin to understand why you need them,
- unless we let them show themselves. - You're right.
Look at your poor eye,
it's just not all purple anymore, it's kind of...
a funky 70s yellow now.
- That hurt! - Sorry.
You're laughing.
- What's this? - Pandora's Box.
G. W. Pabst, 1929. It's a masterpiece.
I could screen it in the living room this weekend.
Sounds great. We could subject the whole family.
Louise Brooks is about to be murdered.
Her sexual indiscretions will not go unpunished.
Honey?
Is there anything you wanna tell me?
Did he call?
Who called me?
- He didn't? - Who?
Can I be upfront with you?
I've been having some differences of opinion with my English teacher.
Alright, so can anyone tell me the significance
of Ethan's walking stick in this chapter?
Madison.
I think that Ethan needs something to lean on.
That's one way to look at it, yeah.
Actually, it's patently erotic.
The walking stick represents Ethan's erection.
It's inappropriate, Marshall.
Excuse me, Mr Gershenoff,
I'm not an expert or anything but,
I think I know my literary boners.
Do you want me to talk to him? I'll be more than happy to.
No, I can handle it.
The last you need is to worry about my stupid school stuff.
Fuck me!
God dammit!
Piece of shit!
- Nice - Fuck!
Mum, this boot has come from Hell.
It just came from the town of Hell to make my life miserable.
Thank you.
Hey, so I was thinking about how you took care of stuff,
and that prescription when I wasn't around,
and that I'm really proud of you.
About what? Like why I didn't use a condom or something?
Actually I think I know why people don't always use condoms.
Sex can be bizarre when you first start doing it, I mean...
naked people, weird body parts. It's awkward as hell.
And no one knows how to act.
I just want you to know I've been there and we can talk.
OK. Thanks.
It's just there's a lot of misinformation floating around...
you know like for instance anal sex is sex.
See? I just said anal sex, I'm pretty cool.
What?
It's nothing, Mum.
It's just some times you make me feel like I'm living in some sort of
lifetime lady tampon movie.
What's a lifetime lady tampon movie?
Forget it Max, conversation's over.
Dad, I hate it when she just swoops in here
and acts like we can just talk about anything.
She's your mother and she cares. So you gotta love her.
You have to, maybe.
You married her.
And you chose that.
But for me, it's just drama and weirdness.
Bye.
One day, she'll grow up and be a person, I promise.
She'll grow up, she'll have kids of her own and be your adult daughter,
and not this evil, fucking Bratz doll.
I was hoping that...
There's not a kid in the world that wants
to talk with their mother about sex. She's fine.
From your lips.
And tomorrow, I'm gonna talk with Marshy's teacher,
We're getting that straightened out.
What? I thought he didn't want us to...
Mum...
you see... the thing is,
Mr Gershenoff is kind of a bear,
and... people are still talking...
We just thought a man to man thing might be the way to play this guy.
- But... if you... - If you wanna go...
No, you guys are absolutely right.
It's exactly the right way to play it.
Why you care if Marshall doesn't want you to talk to his teachers?
It's like they don't even want me around when I'm me.
Please, it's all you.
Plus... He wet the bed.
What do you mean?
He peed the bed, like Baby Goo Goo Ga Ga?
Or wet the bed? Big boy!
He urinated in the bed, Charmaine.
He used to do it all the time when he was a kid,
he hasn't done it since he was like 11.
Kate... I don't know who she is becoming?
Maybe the kids are responding to trauma.
What trauma?
You know, your schizophrenia...
situation.
OK, let me explain, again.
Schizophrenia is when you hear voices, like the radio people.
I don't have that. I don't hear voices.
- Right, you do the whole character. - I wanna get something for Kate.
You should get her one of those.
Which she could wear while having unprotected sex.
- To spice things up a bit. - Yeah.
- You know what you need? - Better not be vitamins.
These are not just vitamins.
This is a product I happen to believe in.
Otherwise i wouldn't be a level 2 sales wrap.
This is Vita-Self mood booster remix.
It's a little drink you do once in the morning,
twice in the evening with like a... salt water flush.
Sounds great.
I just rather not...
flush. Sorry.
Buy some and help me out a little.
I beg your call in.
Hey, let's go to Macaw island this week end.
You serious?
Come on, man, the Beach Boys are playing without any actual Beach Boys.
If i want to witness a sad decline, I'll just take a look on my own life.
Thank you.
It's been too long since we did any
intense manly stuff, you know?
All we do now is shovel dirt,
nurse trees and shit.
We're landscapers, asshole.
Yeah, we scape the land, but I mean we can't let that define us.
We used to work the land at our 20s but man, we did it drunk!
Go to Macaw island, and spent some money,
get some of this old "buy you a breezer" drinks.
Maybe. That sounds good, actually.
You gonna do any work here or what?
I'm mesmerized by your ass.
Boring. These would look alright on you.
- Hey, Tara. - Hey.
So you... you're out and about, uh? How are you?
Good... yeah, good. How are you guys?
I've been thinking about you.
Oh my God, I completly forgot,
I was gonna make a cake for the bake sale.
For the cleft palate kids in Brazil.
Not that. I didn't even really count on it.
I mean, you just have so much on your plate
with that brouhaha with Katie's boyfriend.
It's not her boyfriend.
They hook up, whatever.
That Benjamin is an abusive little shit
who disrespect young ladies while wearing eyeliner. We gotta go.
Good to see you, Tara.
Get some rest, Tara.
Tara, you just stand there and take it!
I know, I can't...
- I'm not feeling... - OK, OK!
Tara?
What a marvellous shade!
Oh, fuck!
Don't let Gershenoff intimidate you.
I mean, the man is a B.A. from a state school.
- I guess. - Besides, like, what can he do?
Like, run crying to principal Frankel
just cuz you pointed out some sex in a novel?
I can't stand these conservative bedwetters.
What's wrong?
Nothing. I appreciate your concern, Petula.
Well, you know how much I care.
I gotta hit that parent-teacher conference,
so keep an eye on the things while I'm gone, okay?
Hey, what if one of these guys ask me a question, man.
I don't speak Spanish.
What if the... What if the owners come home?
Or what if I start doing a bunch of extra work that isn't in your bid?
You're gonna do a bunch of extra work?
Hey, you know what? I'm looking out for you, okay?
I think it's unfair you gotta do all the work.
Can't Tara do some of it?
Later!
God, you're so co-dependent!
It's called love, bro!
"Called love" yeah, okay! It's not bad.
It's who we are, Maxwell.
Thanks Jesus, too, man. I'm always late, usually stoned...
Hello Laurie, Beth. I'm Alice.
Right... Alice.
I brought my cake.
- For the brazillian kids. - Wow. That is...
elaborate.
I'm sure you'll figure out where to put it.
You could move whatever... that is.
So long.
Is that...?
I'm sorry if Marshall feels that way. It's certainly not personal on my hand.
There's a curriculum I have to follow. We're not in Vermont.
Yeah, tell me about it.
I understand that you...
have an odd family situation, Mr Gregson.
But in my classroom, that makes Marshall
neither more interesting, nor more superior.
Although he seems to think it does.
We're just gonna have to agree to disagree
because to me, that sounds pretty fucking personal.
Room for one more?
- I'm okay. I got this covered. - Well, will be by the minute.
I came by to drop off some treats for the bakesale.
I figured while I was here I'd pop in and meet my boy's teacher.
Mr. Gershenoff, it is such a pleasure.
Thank you.
We're so very worried about our Marshall.
Should we be concerned?
Well, Marshall's a unique challenge.
What about your challenges?
I'm sorry?
Mr. Gershenoff, I feel so formal. May I call you by your first name?
What is your first name?
Oral.
Mr. Gershenoff,
we all know what this is really about.
Being different.
And you, out of anyone, must understand.
Poor little Oral Gershenoff, sitting in the back of the class,
with his funny hair and his funny name.
Daydreaming about...
sports he'd never play
and girls he'd never touch.
You know, pandering to the football captains
and prom queens of today won't take away the pain of yesterday.
They can't appreciate you now anymore than they did back then.
And taking it out on the weird kid
won't help that weird kid in there.
It's time to start loving, Oral.
I never meant to single Marshall out.
I've assigned some extra credit,
so, if he completes it, he can keep his average up.
Such a pleasure to meet you, Oral.
Have a wonderful day.
Oh my God, you saved my life.
- Oh, people. - It was amazing.
Oh, no you did, Alice.
It was a "Tour de Force".
The French language is so expressive. Don't you think, Kate?
- Can I have wine with my menu? - No.
When someone asks you a question,
it's custumary to lift your gaze to meet theirs and responding kind.
When is mom coming back?
Tara is not equiped to manage this family, at the moment.
Now we've all come to a consensus and I think you need me right now.
Enough with your gadget. You can communicate with your boyfriend later.
- Just one glass? - No.
Oh, for goodness.
Alice, I don't have a boyfriend anymore. Because my mom turned into a man,
came to school and give a slap to him while everyone I ever met watched.
Well he had bad genes.
Your children would have been ugly and stupid.
- Where are you going? - Just need some air.
Feast is here.
Chicken, please. Thank you.
Back in a moment, sweetheart.
What is it?
Just having a weird day.
Well, snap youself out of it, we're here to have a nice dinner.
I don't want to have a nice dinner.
Kate, I know you aren't fond of me,
But I'm concerned about your development as a young woman.
You're promiscuous. You aren't guarding your flower.
What do you want, Alice?
I want to let you know that even though I deeply disapprove
of the way you carry yourself, your mother loves you very much.
She wants you to know she didn't mean
to overreact about those pills you brought home.
She just doesn't want you being...
intimate,
at your age.
Because she had you at nineteen, and it was quite a hardship.
I'm not a hardship.
I'm awesome.
You're a graceless ingrate.
You mean a slut?
A girl who likes boys?
Who lets boys know she likes them?
A girl who orgasms?
Who moans, and moans, and screams in ecstasy?
A girl who sucks,
and fucks?
A girl with absolutely no backdoor shyness?
That's it.
I'm going to wash your mouth out with soap.
- You've got to be kidding me. - Try me.
What I was saying about...
Are you insane?
- What the fuck? - Dad!
You okay?
This is fucking bullshit!
God, I want out.
How?
Are you hiring?
Always.
I'd like to fill up an application.
Why do you wanna work here?
I love to serve people.
I found a coffee stir if you need a little walking stick.
Cool, thanks.
Would you like me to tuck you in?
I'm fourteen, Alice.
I think I can handle it.
I know you tee teed in your bed.
You know, lack of control is nothing to be ashamed of.
Lots of debonair men throughout history have had their peccadilloes.
For instance, Cary Grant liked to wear women's underwear.
I don't know what happened, I haven't had an accident in years.
It's weird.
It's not your fault, sweetie.
You know, someday,
if everything goes the way I'm hoping,
I'll be here all the time.
Wouldn't that be fun?
Knocking.
Don't come in.
Come on, give me two minutes, three minutes tops.
- Is that wax? - Ninety seconds.
I'm sorry about Alice.
Washing your mouth out with soap, I mean, that's crazy.
It's kind of funny, though. Right?
It's about as funny as an irregular mole.
Marsh told me about what happened.
It's unfair. I'm sorry, honey.
What's that?
Remember those photos we used to keep in a shoe box?
Alice organized them all earlier today
and made a remainder photo album.
Alice made this?
Oh my god!
Hello, I just crapped my pants.
Look at mum.
Yeah, she's beautiful.
Okay, time's up.
You want me to hang on to that for you?
No, I think I'll just kinda...
hang on to it for a second.
I made you a marvelous lunch for tomorrow.
It's in the icebox.
Where are the kids now?
Kate's on the computer,
probably looking at that hot topic pornography.
I don't know why you allow it, it's hardly my place to say.
And Marshall is working on his Winter of Discontent project.
That was one of my favorite books at Radcliffe.
You didn't go to Radcliffe.
What are you doing?
I was just going to press these old dungarees.
Don't put creases in my jeans.
Why did you feel the need to sanitize my kid's mouth anyway?
She was using some very unbecoming language.
She's always been outspoken, that's why we love her, so...
Maybe from now on, let me deal out the punishment, okay?
I was just trying to help.
Yeah, I know you are.
Come on.
Don't you want to make a baby?
Neither does Tara. She's got an IUD.
Those things are known to fail, you know?
They're an unnatural device.
Satan's Tree.
- So that's that, then? - That's that, then.
You're abandoning me.
Something tells me you can take care of yourself.
What?
Nothing.
Just looking for someone.