[♪♪♪]
Say me, you, and Kramer are, uh, flying over the Andes.
Why are we flying over the Andes?
We got a soccer game in Chile. Anyway, the plane crashes.
Who are you gonna eat to survive?
Kramer.
So fast? Wh-what about me?
No.
But Kramer's so stringy. I'm plump, juicy.
Kramer's got more muscle, higher protein content.
It's better for you.
Well, I would eat you.
That's very nice, I guess.
Why wouldn't you eat me? I'm your best friend.
Look, if other people are having some, I'll try you.
Thank you.
Can I have a piece of that? No.
[♪♪♪]
George, I can't have sex.
With me, or in general?
I went to the doctor today. I have mono.
Nucleosis?
Oh, I hope that's not a problem for you.
No, no, pfft. Good.
So how long is this not gonna be a problem for me?
[♪♪♪]
JERRY: Six weeks?
Yeah, six weeks.
Well, so what? You've gone six weeks before.
Hey, I can do six weeks standing on my head.
I'm like a sexual camel. That's not the point.
At least there was the possibility.
So you gonna break up with her?
I don't know. I don't wanna be one of those guys.
What guys? Like us.
Yeah.
So it's just mono.
Mono?
Huh, well, if anybody needs any medical advice,
Laney met a doctor,
and he's unattached. Ooh.
I thought the whole dream of dating a doctor was debunked?
No, it's not debunk. It's totally bunk.
Isn't bunk bad? Like, "That's a lot of bunk."
No, something is bunk, and then you debunk it.
What? Huh?
I think.
Lookit. I'm datin' a doctor, and I like it.
Let's just move on.
[PHONE RINGS]
Hello. Oh, hi, Katie. WOMAN: Jerry.
Listen, something came up for Tuesday
at the Dayton Civic Center. That's Ohio, Jerry.
I've heard of Ohio, Katie.
But Tuesday's no good.
I'm doing Career Day at my old junior high.
Okay, Jerry, that's fine.
All right. Okay. Katie works for Jerry.
All right, Katie. Sorry for the late notice.
Thank you. Yes.
Bye-- Bye. Okay, you're the--
They asked you to do Career Day?
Yeah, it's no big thing.
Well, with all due respect, I went there too,
and I work for a team that just won the World Series.
And you were integral.
[♪♪♪]
[GASPS] Jerry,
it was so nice of you to come down here.
I'm on next, right?
Well, unfortunately, Mr. Amiry, from the Bronx Zoo...
The-- The guy with the lizard?
Yes.
Well, he started feeding it crickets,
and the children just love him,
and we're out of time.
KIDS: Ew!
So can you come back tomorrow?
I'm getting bumped?
You're bumping me from Career Day?
[♪♪♪]
So do most doctors like ER,
or do you guys just think it's fake?
I couldn't tell you. You know, I'm not really a doctor.
Oh, well, then I'm not really attracted you.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
Well, I-I'm serious, Elaine. I went to medical school,
but I still have to pass my licensing exam.
So when do you take this exam?
I've taken it three times. I almost passed the last one.
But you're basically a doctor, right?
I mean, people do call you doctor?
Well, um...
Can I introduce you as doctor?
Yeah. All right.
That's all I wanted to know.
[♪♪♪]
Mono.
[♪♪♪]
GEORGE: It was fantastic, Jerry.
We wound up talking all night.
So you're enjoying the not enjoying.
You know, just by conversing,
you can really learn a lot about a person.
I'm finding that out.
Hey, buddy.
Hey. How was Career Day?
Aw, I didn't get on.
The lizard guy went long.
You got bumped from Career Day?
It was a mix-up, I'm sure.
Sounds like they're trying to screw with your head.
Now, why would a junior high school wanna screw with my head?
Well, why does RadioShack ask for your phone number
when you buy batteries?
I don't know.
Hey, hey. Kramer, wh--? What--? What are you doing?
You can't smoke in here. What? No, come on.
Hey.
Take it outside.
Come on, Larry. You know me.
It bothers people, and it's against the law.
You can make all the laws you want.
He's still gonna bother people.
[♪♪♪]
What, they kick you out too?
Yeah, they kicked us all out.
[♪♪♪]
MRS. BURNS: Thanks so much for coming back, Jerry.
Care for a graham cracker?
No, let's just do it. [ALARM RINGING]
What? Wh-what is going on? Wha--? What is that about?
Fire drill. Sorry.
Single file, everyone.
B-but I was promised a slot.
Single file, Jerry.
[THEME SONG TO JEOPARDY! PLAYING OVER TV]
Fire drill. You believe that?
Who is Pericles?
TREBEK [ON TV]: Pericles is correct.
Like fire in a school is such a big deal.
You got any matches?
Middle drawer.
Who is Sir Arthur Conan Doyle?
TREBEK: We were looking for:
Who was Sir Arthur Conan Doyle?
Thanks. [PHONE RINGS]
Hello. KATIE: Jerry.
Oh, hi, Katie.
I heard what happened at the junior high.
They can't bump you like that. That is unprofessional.
Oh, relax, Katie. It's not a problem.
What is Borax?
TREBEK: Yes, you are right.
They bump you in junior high, the next thing you know,
you get bumped in high schools, colleges, trade schools.
Before you know it, Letterman's not returning your calls.
You got an ashtray?
No, I don't have any ashtrays.
Ooh, cereal bowls.
KATIE: Jerry, now, don't freak out.
I'll take care of you. No, Katie, don't--
All right. Thanks.
[DIAL TONE]
What is tungsten or wolfram?
We were looking for: What is tungsten or wolfram?
Answer...
the other Daily Double. Is this a repeat?
No, no, no.
Just lately I've been thinking a lot clearer.
Like this afternoon-- What is chicken Kiev?
--I really enjoyed watching a documentary with Louise.
Louise. That's what's doin' it.
You're no longer preoccupied with sex,
so your mind is able to focus.
You think?
Yeah, I mean, let's say this is your brain, okay?
Now, from what I know about you,
your brain consists of two parts.
The intellect, represented here...
and the part obsessed with sex.
Now, granted, you have extracted an astonishing amount
from this little scrap.
But with no-sex Louise, this previously useless lump
is now functioning for the first time in its existence.
Oh, my God.
I just remembered where I left my retainer in second grade.
I'll see you later.
Uh, I need some more matches.
What is going on in there?
I met some people smoking on the street,
so I invited them up to my apartment to smoke.
Why?
Well, somebody had to.
You know, just because a person's a smoker,
that doesn't mean he's not a human being.
It doesn't?
Jerry, these people aren't gonna let themselves
be flicked into the ashbin of society.
Why not?
Oh, well, you can confine them.
You can punish them. You can cram them into the corner,
but they're not going away, Jerry.
All right.
Yeah.
[♪♪♪]
ELAINE: So when they're handing out those cadavers,
do you get to choose whether it's a man or a woman?
I don't know. Dead bodies really gross me out.
Oh, my God. What's wrong?
Oh, it's Sue Ellen Mischke,
this old braless friend I hate.
Elaine? Hi.
Oh, hi, Sue Ellen, hi.
Oh, Rick, this is an old, old friend of mine.
Elaine Benes.
Uh, Rick is a periodontist. He does Giuliani's gums.
[CHUCKLES]
Well, this is my boyfriend, Dr. Ben Galvant.
Oh, I-- Well, I'm an intern.
Hey, stop kidding, Ben.
He's a doctor. He's a very good doctor.
Carlito's just passed out. Can anyone help?
Oh, well, there's a doctor right here.
No, there's not.
Can't you at least tell 'em what to do?
Like what?
Shouldn't he elevate his legs?
Right. Elevate your legs.
[♪♪♪]
I hope Carlito feels better.
Ben really wishes he could've helped.
I thought he was a doctor.
Oh, he is.
You know, kind of.
I mean, I-- I call him doctor.
George.
Of course. Absolute zero!
What? What is with all these books?
I stopped having sex.
[♪♪♪]
KRAMER: All right. I'll see you, Phil.
All right, I've got room for two,
but the only thing I have is in the non-filter section.
Hey, hey, how you doin'?
What--? What do you got, a smokers' lounge in there?
Oh, yeah, people really seem to be enjoying themselves.
You know they come in once, it's like they're addicted.
KATIE: Jerry. Hey.
Oh, there you are.
You didn't answer your phone.
I was out.
Oh. Heh.
Jerry, great news.
I got you...an assembly.
An assembly?
Two hours in front of the entire junior high,
grades six through eight.
That's sixth grade, seventh grade--
I understand.
But what am I gonna talk about for two hours?
And it is already in the school paper.
They canceled Rick James.
"Super Freak"?
Yes.
[♪♪♪]
What is your answer to number 74?
Metabolic acidosis.
No.
Hypokalemia.
Not metabolic acidosis. Duh.
Oh, man, I'm never gonna pass this thing.
Oh, yes, you are.
We'll just stop havin' sex.
[♪♪♪]
You guys, hitting is not about muscle.
It's simple physics.
Calculate the velocity, V, in relation to the trajectory, T,
in which, G, gravity, of course, remains a constant.
It's not complicated.
Now, who are you again?
George Costanza,
assistant to the traveling secretary.
[BALL THWACKS]
Are you the guy who put us in that Ramada in Milwaukee?
You wanna talk about hotels,
or you wanna win some ball games?
Hey, we won the World Series.
In six games.
[♪♪♪]
JERRY: "So if you like to tell jokes
"and you love to make people laugh,
stand-up comedy may be the career for you."
Thank you.
Nine minutes.
How am I gonna fill two hours?
Hello? I could take an hour off your hands.
Give the kids the chance to see a real, live Yankee.
And give you a chance to see some real disappointed kids.
Yes, I take your order, please?
Excuse me, darling, do I, uh...? Do I detect a Portuguese accent?
Sim.
[SPEAKING IN PORTUGUESE]
[SPEAKS IN PORTUGUESE]
GEORGE: Ah, no, don't mention it.
Portuguese?
Yeah, my cleaning lady is Portuguese.
I must have picked it up.
How come he's gettin' so smart?
I stopped having sex with Ben three days ago,
and I don't know no Portuguese.
Are you all right?
I don't know. I just--
The last couple of days, my mind has been kinda, you know...
[CLICKS TONGUE]
...not good.
Wait a second. I know what's happening.
The no-sex thing's having the reverse effect on you.
What? What are you talking about?
To a woman, sex is like the garbage man.
You just take for granted
the fact that any time you put trash out on the street,
a guy in a jumpsuit's gonna come along and pick it up.
But now, no sex, it's like a garbage strike.
The bags are piling up in your head.
The sidewalk is blocked.
Nothing's getting through. You're stupid.
I don't understand.
Exactly.
[♪♪♪]
Hey, buddy. Hey.
Hey, you should come over. Tonight's pipe night.
What--? What happened to your face?
What?
It looks like an old catcher's mitt.
What?
What is that?
Look at that.
My face is all craggily.
It's crinkly.
It's from all that smoke.
You've experienced a lifetime of smoking in 72 hours.
What did you expect?
Well, emphysema, birth defects, cancer, but not this.
Jerry, you know, my face is my livelihood.
Oh, I-I-- Everything I have I owe to this face.
It's my allure, my-- My twinkle, you know.
You know, and your-- Your teeth. Your teeth are all brown.
Look away, I'm-- I'm hideous.
[♪♪♪]
Hey, Ben, I need a four-letter word.
"Winnie-the-" blank.
BEN: Pooh.
[GIGGLING] Pooh.
BEN: No, it's Winnie-the-Pooh.
Oh.
[♪♪♪]
LOUISE: So the hospital called.
Turns out some stupid intern screwed up my test.
I never had mono.
So now we can, uh... You know.
[♪♪♪]
JERRY: So, what did you do?
I told her I would have to think about it.
But ultimately you're gonna choose in favor of sex, right?
I don't know. Perhaps I can better serve the world this way.
You mean, not subjecting women to your sexual advances?
A simple joke from a simple man.
So you're never gonna have sex again?
Well, Jerry, there was a pretty good chance
I was never gonna have sex again anyway.
You ready for the assembly tomorrow?
You know what you're gonna say about the Yankees?
Oh, sports are so pedestrian.
I prepared some science experiments
that will illuminate the mind and dazzle the eye.
I wrote a 20-minute bit about how homework stinks.
[♪♪♪]
JACKIE: Oh, my vacation was restful,
resplendent, magnificent.
In fact, next summer I'm planning on going to Corfu.
Oh, no. Jackie, we gotta talk.
No way, Kramer. You've brought me nothing
but misfortune and humiliation. Now, get out!
But, Jackie-- I said, out!
Jackie, I think I got a case against the tobacco companies.
The who?
The tobacco companies.
I've been wanting a piece of them for years.
[BOTH GIGGLE]
[♪♪♪]
Ooh...
[GIGGLES]
Yay!
[♪♪♪]
JACKIE: Did that cigarette warning label
mention anything about damage to your appearance?
No, no, it didn't say anything.
So you a victim.
And now your face is sallow,
unattractive, disgusting.
So, Jackie, you think we got a case?
Your face is my case.
[♪♪♪]
Hey. Hey, how you doin'?
Not good. I'm a moron.
Well, don't worry about it. Once he passes the test,
you'll have sex again, and you'll be fine.
Well, that kind of brings us to why I'm here.
You got 11 minutes?
What for?
Oh, come on.
I just wanna clear my head. It has nothing to do with you.
I think it has something to do with me.
You could read the paper through the whole thing, if you want.
No, no, no, no.
I-- I'm sorry. This is too weird.
Ugh, all right.
Is Kramer home?
[♪♪♪]
[CHUCKLES]
You know, Louise,
I think you'll find this amusing.
In early Euclidean geometry, they--
George, I have to have sex.
I used to share that very same outlook.
But now I have so many things to occupy my mind.
For instance, the atom--
Goodbye, George.
I hate you.
A fascinating turn of events.
Mais café? Ah, sim, por favor.
[♪♪♪]
JACKIE: Ms. Wilkie,
your tobacco company has turned this beautiful specimen
into a horrible, twisted freak.
Who could love me?
I disagree.
In fact, I feel Mr. Kramer projects a rugged masculinity.
Rugged? The man's a goblin.
He's only been exposed to smoke for four days.
By the time this case gets to trial,
he'll be nothing more than a shrunken head.
All right, Mr. Chiles,
you'll have our offer by tomorrow.
Good day, gentlemen.
Yeah, bye-bye.
Jackie. Jackie, you did it.
We're rich.
Oh, you better believe it.
Jackie's cashing in on your wretched disfigurement.
[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]
[♪♪♪]
ELAINE: Congratulations! You passed.
Elaine-- Elaine,
I don't think we should see each other anymore.
What? You're breaking up with me?
But-- But I sacrificed and supported you
while you struggled.
What about my dream of dating a doctor?
I'm sorry, Elaine.
I always knew that after I became a doctor,
I would dump whoever I was with and find someone better.
That's the dream of becoming a doctor.
Lookit, are we gonna have sex or not?
KATIE: Jerry, now,
when the glee club's finished,
George goes on, then you. GEORGE: Hey.
Hey, where have you been? You know you're on next.
I got lost on the way over.
Got lost? We went to school here for three years.
What are these?
[NASALLY MARTIAN VOICE] Take me to your leader.
Oh, my God, you had sex.
You had sex with Louise.
No. The Portuguese waitress.
The Portuguese waitress?
I calculated my odds of ever getting together
with a Portuguese waitress.
Mathematically, I had to do it, Jerry.
George, George, you're on.
Oh, I-I-I'm-- I'm not going on.
Then what'd you come down here for?
To tell you about the Portuguese waitress.
It's good to have you back.
One of you has to go on.
All right. I'll do it.
[APPLAUSE]
JERRY: Hey, kids.
What's the deal with homework?
You're not workin' on your home.
KIDS: Boo!
[♪♪♪]
KRAMER: That was a great lunch, Jackie. Thanks.
It's a little puzzling we haven't gotten that offer yet.
Well, Mrs. Wilkie from the tobacco company called me.
Yeah, we had a little powwow.
A powwow? Who told you to have a powwow?
I didn't tell you to have a powwow.
She made an offer. I took it.
How much? No, no, no. There was no money.
No money? Then, what did we get?
Check it out.
JACKIE: This is the most public yet of my many humiliations.
[♪♪♪]
Canceled? But I was supposed to be on tomorrow night.
Yeah, but then, you know, uh,
some people were telling me about that, uh, little flap
out there at the, uh, junior high school assembly.
And before that, you were bumped by a lizard?
Uh, it was a--
Actually, it was a monitor lizard.
Those things, deadly, dangerous.
A long time ago, my uncle and a date
are driving, like, through Mexico.
They see one on the road.
Drags him out of the car and chews his face off.
Listen, we'll call you if anything opens up.
Okay, Jimmy? Jerry.
Right. Jerry.
[♪♪♪]