[♪♪♪]
WOMAN: Well, I started out working in mortgage bonds,
but I just found that so limiting.
My friend Kramer and I were discussing
the same thing the other day.
He was with Brandt-Leland for a while.
Wow.
Well, then my mentor suggested that I move into equities.
It-- Best move I ever made.
Mentor? You mean your boss?
Oh, no, no, no. Cynthia's just a successful businesswoman
who's taken me under her wing.
Hm.
So Cynthia's your mentor?
And I'm her protégé.
You must have someone like that.
You know, who guides you in your career path.
Well, I like Gabe Kaplan.
[♪♪♪]
GEORGE: I still don't understand this.
Abby has a mentor?
Yes. And the mentor advises the protégé.
Is there any money involved?
No.
So, what's in it for the mentor?
Respect, admiration, prestige.
[SCOFFS]
Would the protégé pick up stuff for the mentor?
I suppose if it was on the protégé's way
to the mentor, they might.
Laundry? Dry cleaning?
It's not a valet, it's a protégé.
All right.
Listen, I gotta get some reading done.
You mind if I do this here?
I, uh...can't concentrate at my apartment.
"Risk management"?
Yeah. Steinbrenner wants everyone in the front office
to give a lecture in their area of business expertise.
What makes them think you're a risk-management expert?
I guess it's on my résumé.
[PHONE RINGS]
Hello?
WOMAN [OVER PHONE]: Please hold for Elaine Benes.
You know what? I can't-- I can't do this.
I can't read books anymore.
Books on tape have ruined me, Jerry.
I need that nice voice.
This book has my voice. I hate my voice.
So get this book on tape.
You can't. It's a textbook.
Hey, Jer, are you going to this Bob Sacamano party?
Am I going? It was three nights ago.
What? You're kidding.
I just got this invitation today.
Oh, I was so excited.
It's really a beautiful invitation.
Oh, it was a lovely affair.
Oh, wait a minute.
This postmark is three weeks old.
Man, this happens all the time.
Janine, who the hell runs the mailroom?
JANINE: Eddie Sherman.
All right. Send him up here.
You gonna do a little yelling?
I'm gonna do a little firing.
JERRY: That is so cool.
Can you put me on the speaker?
Oh, yeah. Sure.
Give me a break.
[DIAL TONE]
Hey, Copernicus.
[♪♪♪]
Eddie Sherman is here.
Oh, great. Send him in.
You wanted to see me?
Eddie, yes. Um...
I am so sorry, but I'm afraid we're gonna have to...
...promote you.
[♪♪♪]
JERRY: So, what did you say?
Well, I called him all the way up to my office,
so I had to tell him something important.
So I promoted him.
What? What did you--?
Copywriter.
He's writing copy?
Well, it can't be any worse
than the pointless drivel we normally churn out.
Yowzah, yowzah.
Check it out.
"Jewish singles night"?
I expect you both to be there.
I'm not Jewish.
Well, neither am I.
Well, why are you going?
I'm not. I'm running it.
What are you talking about?
Well, Lomez, he usually runs it,
but he's in the Everglades.
Lomez is Jewish?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Orthodox, Jerry. Old school.
At the Knights of Columbus?
Yeah. Frank Costanza,
he's getting me a room in his lodge.
So, Jerry, you know, I'm really counting on you to come to this.
Kramer, you know--
No, Jerry, look. I'm cooking all the food myself.
"A tempting schmeer of authentic Jewish delicacies."
Do you like tzimmes?
[♪♪♪]
ABBY: My mentor says the duck is outstanding here.
I'm not really a duck fan. The skin seems sort of human.
Oh, look who's here. Cynthia.
Hello, Abby. Hello.
Jerry, this is Cynthia Pearlman,
my mentor. Hello.
Hi, Jerry. Nice to finally meet you.
Well, come join us. We can pull up a chair.
Well, great.
My boyfriend's just parking the car.
Actually, Jerry, you might know him.
He's a comic too.
No kidding.
Kenny Bania.
Bania?
Hey, Jerry. How's it going?
You gonna join us for dinner? The duck here's the best.
The best, Jerry.
[♪♪♪]
Excuse me. I'm sorry to bother you.
I-- I noticed that you have a textbook on tape.
May I ask where you got that?
Reading for the Blind. They can get any book on tape.
I-- I tell you, I am hooked on these, uh, books on tape.
Oh, tell me about it.
These things have ruined me for Braille.
JERRY: Reading for the Blind?
I take an eye test, I flunk it.
The next thing you know, I am swinging
to the sweet sounds of risk management.
So I finally met the mentor.
Hey, what's she like? Impressive?
Oh, yeah.
She's datin' Bania.
Bania?
Yeah. I had to spend two hours
at dinner last night with that specimen.
What'd you have?
Chicken. How could she look up to a person
who voluntarily spends time with Bania?
Marsala? Piccata.
If anything, I should be dating a mentor
and Bania should be setting pins at a bowling alley.
[LAUGHS]
All right. I got a test to fail.
Hey, good luck with that.
Thanks. Dad.
What are you, in an athletic sweat suit?
What are you doing here?
He came by to pick up his check for the banquet hall.
You know, I got 183 responses. Oh, it's gonna be a rager.
Kramer, how are you gonna cook
Jewish delicacies for 183 people?
Hey, you're right. That's a lot of pupiks.
Hey, Frank, you know anybody who can help me cook?
Cook? No. I don't know any cooks.
I don't know anything about cooking!
What's the matter with him?
My dad was a cook during the Korean War.
Something very bad happened.
Ever since, you can't get him near a kitchen.
Shell-shocked?
Oh, yeah.
But that has nothing to do with it.
ELAINE: That's good work, guys. That ought to do it for today.
Alrighty? EDDIE: Wait.
You didn't ask me about my ideas.
Oh, Eddie. Well, it's your first day.
I'm ready.
Oh. Okay.
"It's a hot night. The mind races.
"You think about your knife,
"the only friend who hasn't betrayed you.
"The only friend who won't be dead by sunup.
"Sleep tight, mates,
in your quilted chambray nightshirts."
[♪♪♪]
ELAINE: What am I gonna do? He is a disaster.
Well, if he's doing that bad,
maybe he's in line for another promotion.
You know what? You are exactly right.
That is what I should do. I should promote him.
I'll give him another office on another floor,
and he can sit there
with his nice title and his bayonet,
and stop freaking me out.
Nothing at all.
Well, George, your vision is quite impaired.
If you'll just sign this insurance form.
Here's a pen.
You're a very handsome man, by the way.
[♪♪♪]
What the hell is going on here?
[KRAMER SCREAMING]
Look out!
What are you doing?
I got three kitchens going.
I got brisket going at Newman's,
I got kugel working at Mrs. Zanfino's,
and this is kreplach.
Here, try some of this.
No, I don't want to.
Eat, eat, you're skin and bones.
Huh?
Oh, this is awful.
Oh, Jerry, it's kreplach.
It's an acquired taste. Yeah.
Mm... Oh, yeah.
[GAGS]
Yuck!
Did you follow the recipe?
The recipe was for four to six people.
I had to multiply it for 183 people.
I guess I got confused.
It tastes like dirt.
Well, I also dropped it on the way over.
Jerry, I'm in trouble. I got no skills.
I can't peel, I can't chop, I can't grate, I can't mince.
I got no sense of flavor, obviously!
You know, I gotta talk to Frank.
Kramer, you can't--
No, I gotta. I know that he can help me--
I think there's a dead animal in the elevator.
My stuffed cabbage.
So great dinner last night.
Yeah, it was all right.
I told Cynthia we'd double with her and Bania Saturday,
and then catch his act.
No. No.
No way. No Bania.
What?
Have you seen his act?
He's got a 12-minute bit about Ovaltine.
He's a pug, a patsy, a hack.
Cynthia would not date a hack.
Would. Does. Is.
[♪♪♪]
ELAINE: Before we get started,
I am happy to tell you that Eddie Sherman
is no longer writing for this catalog.
It's about time.
He's upstairs.
I, uh, made him director of corporate development.
You promoted him?
Well, no. I would hardly--
I bust my hump every day.
Relax.
As far as I'm concerned,
you and your deranged protégé
can run the catalog by yourselves.
I quit!
I'm with him. Me too.
What? Hey.
Hey. Hey!
[♪♪♪]
MAN [ON TAPE]: Chapter one.
In order to manage risk, we must first understand risk.
How do you spot risk?
How do you avoid risk, and what makes it so risky?
This guy sounds just like me.
To understand risk, we must first define risk.
This is horrible.
Risk has existed virtually--
Stop it. Stop it. Shut up!
Come on, Frank, I need you.
I mean, the war was 50 years ago.
In my mind, there's a war still going on.
All right, what happened, Frank?
What is it that you can't get over?
[EXHALES]
Inchon, Korea, 1950.
I was the best cook Uncle Sam ever saw.
Slinging hash for the fighting 103rd.
As we marched north,
our supply lines were getting thin.
Well, one day, a couple of GI's found a crate.
Inside was 600 pounds of prime Texas steer.
At least, it once was prime.
The use date was three weeks past.
But I was arrogant. I was brash.
I thought if I used just the right spices,
cooked it long enough...
KRAMER: What happened?
I went too far. I overseasoned it.
[BARBER'S "ADAGIO FOR STRINGS" PLAYING]
[MEN GROANING]
Men were keeling over all around me.
I can still hear the retching and screaming.
[MEN VOMITING]
Frank!
I sent 16 of my own men to the latrines that night.
They were just boys.
Frank, you were a boy too.
And it was war.
That was a crazy time for everyone.
Tell that to Bobby Colby.
All that kid wanted to do was go home.
Well, he went home, all right.
With a crater in his colon the size of a cutlet.
Frank--
They had to sit him on a cork the 18-hour flight home.
Frank, now listen to me.
Two hundred Jewish singles need you.
This is your chance to make it all right again.
No. No. I'll never cook again!
Never! Now get out of my house!
Out. Get out. Go.
[♪♪♪]
So you saw Bania's act.
He got two minutes into that Ovaltine thing
and I just couldn't take it anymore.
I told you.
It's like gettin' beaten with a bag of oranges.
Why is he so obsessed with Ovaltine?
He just thinks that anything that dissolves in milk is funny.
Anyway, Cynthia and I got into this big argument afterwards,
and I think it's over.
No more mentor?
Looks that way.
Well, at least you and I are okay again.
Actually, I was kind of thinking
that maybe we shouldn't see each other for a while.
Why?
Well, I'm feeling a little disoriented.
It's just weird for me not to have an adviser.
I can tell you what to do.
It's more than that.
I can tell you what to think.
I need someone I can trust.
Oh.
I got a big problem here, Jerry. The tapes are worthless.
Kind of in the middle of something here, George.
George.
I gotta run anyway.
I can't believe you feel you really need a mentor.
I just need someone
who can give me some kind of direction.
ABBY: I'll see ya.
Yeah, see ya.
So, what's your problem?
No problem.
I, uh--
I think I got something here...
for the, uh, Bengalese galoshes.
Oh.
"It's tough keeping your feet dry
when you're kicking in a skull."
You know, Eddie, that might be just a tad harsh.
For women's wear.
Well, I'm not married to it.
Oh. Well, um, in that case,
uh, why don't we take the phrase...
"Kicking in a skull"
and, um, we tweak it.
You know, just a hair, to something like...what?
Like "strolling through a dewy meadow."
Dewy meadow.
[♪♪♪]
ESTELLE: Here's your omelet.
It's dry.
That's the way I always make it.
Well, it sucks.
What did you say?
Your meatloaf is mushy,
your salmon croquettes are oily,
and your eggplant parmigiana is a disgrace to this house!
Well, that's too bad,
because I'm the only one who cooks around here.
Not anymore! Gimme that spatula!
I'm back, baby!
ABBY: And you're sure with your busy schedule,
you'd have time to take on a protégé?
I'll make time.
'Cause, Abby, I was once like you.
Wide-eyed, naive.
I didn't know the first thing about a subject
as fundamental as, uh... risk management.
I'm not familiar with that. You'll have to explain it to me.
I'll tell you what.
Why don't you read this book,
and let's just see if you can explain it to me.
All right.
Okay.
Hey, Jerry.
Oh, hey, Bania.
Did you hear what happened?
The mentor saw my act. She dumped me.
Oh, that's a tough one.
Maybe she's right. Maybe I am a complete hack.
I'm the absolute worst. The worst, Jerry.
Well, it's just that you got so many things with the milk.
You got that Bosco bit,
then you got your Nestlé's Quik bit.
By the time you get to Ovaltine--
You think you can give me a hand with my material?
[♪♪♪]
Yeah.
You still need a cook?
Oh, yeah. Come on in, Frank.
You got T-Fal? No, Calphalon.
No! Follow me.
Oh, yeah.
[GIBBERING]
Try that.
[CLEARS THROAT]
"Why do they call it Ovaltine?
"The mug is round, the jar is round.
They should call it Roundtine."
That's gold, Jerry. Gold!
Let's just replace "hail of shrapnel"
and "scar tissue"
with "string of pearls" and "raspberry scones."
[♪♪♪]
George Costanza is your mentor?
Yeah. He's great.
I am learning so much.
About what? How to calculate 5 percent of a restaurant check?
You know what your problem is?
You just have no respect for the protégé-mentor relationship.
As a matter of fact,
I happen to have a protégé of my own.
Who?
A Mr. Kenneth Bania.
Bania?
I'm gonna mentor this kid to the top.
Well, I don't think I wanna date
a mentor whose protégé is a hack.
Well, I don't think I wanna date a protégé
whose mentor is a Costanza.
ELAINE: I don't know how we did it,
but there's some kind of chemistry between us.
We turned out one hell of a catalog.
Cool.
Hey, Ed, let me ask you something.
What's with the fatigues
and all the psychotic imagery, huh?
I don't wanna talk about it.
Come on. Don't be a baby.
I went out on a couple of dates with this woman.
I thought she really liked me.
And-- And then things kind of cooled off.
That's it?
Well, it's tough meeting somebody you like,
let alone somebody Jewish.
[♪♪♪]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Mm, this food is fantastic.
Have you tried the hamantaschen?
I can't get off the kishkes.
Hey, Jerry.
Bania.
I just stopped by to thank you.
That risk-management stuff you wrote for me is killer.
Risk management?
Oh, it's gold, Jerry. Gold.
I got all these corporate gigs, and even Cynthia took me back.
So you went from the mailroom
to director of corporate development in two days?
That's right.
How much are they paying you?
I'll double it.
These latkes are going like hotcakes.
Where's the powdered sugar?
Uh, over here.
You know, Frank, you could take a break.
No breaks. I feel reborn.
I'm like a phoenix rising from Arizona.
Quitting?
I, uh-- I can't, uh, churn out that pointless drivel anymore.
What--? You can't quit.
You're all I've got.
I need you.
[COUGHING]
Oh, gross.
[BARBER'S "ADAGIO FOR STRINGS" PLAYING]
[COUGHING]
[MEN GAGGING, COUGHING]
[SHOUTING] No!
No! Don't eat it! It's no good!
No good. No good. No way.
Frank, stop it!
No way!
Stop--
No. No. No.
KRAMER: Frank!
[CRASHING NOISE]
WILHELM: Our next speaker is George Costanza
on the subject of risk management.
[WHISTLES]
"Ovaltine.
"Have you ever had this stuff?
"Why do they call it Ovaltine?
"They should call it Roundtine.
You know what I'm talking about."
He's my protégé.
[♪♪♪]